How to Talk to Pre- and Post-Abortive Women

How to Talk to Pre- and Post-Abortive Women

How should we confront those who are personally connected to abortion? You will succeed in saving the child of an abortion-minded woman unless she sees that you are trying to talk her out of an abortion for her sake, because you genuinely care about her.

Now, this doesn’t mean that your concern for the child doesn’t enter into the equation. You must show her that because she is now a mother (even if she claims she is not ready to become one) your interest in saving her child coincides with your interest in her well-being. She needs to know that choosing abortion will be choosing to be the mother of a dead baby instead of a live one and that you don’t want her to have to go through that experience. 

Empathy

Before you engage this woman, pray for God’s help to move her to love her child and to trust in God’s care for her. Pray also for God to move your heart so you may know what precise words will resonate with this woman and her situation.

As you begin to speak with her, let this woman know that you feel sorry that she has to contemplate this choice and that so she doesn’t have to be alone when making her decision. Reassure her that she has a full range of options and that no situation is hopeless. Refrain from commenting on how she could have avoided her situation, because that won’t change her immediate situation where she feels like there is no way out except through having an abortion.

You have the power to open up possibilities to her she never knew existed, but they will be helpful only if you listen to her and understand her specific situation. It is imperative that you be a “safe place” where this woman can confide and not someone who will berate her for making less than ideal choices in life.

It’s possible that no matter how caring you are, she may be set on choosing abortion. Greg Cunningham of the Center for Bio-ethical Reform (CBR) puts it succinctly: “If a woman isn’t more horrified of abortion than her pregnancy, then her child will die.”

Get Help

Once you have built a relationship of trust with this woman, and hopefully her partner as well, you will need to get some help. There are thousands of pro-life pregnancy resource centers across the country, and some of them offer discounted prenatal care, free ultrasounds, housing and job placement, STD testing, low cost or free baby supplies, adoption referrals, and a myriad of other helpful services. They are staffed by people who are experienced in counseling women through unintended pregnancies, which can help take the pressure off you trying to do that by yourself.

But unless you know about these centers and make it a commitment to take this woman to one (don’t just give her a center’s phone number), she may feel that these strangers could never help her through unexpected motherhood. At least not as well as someone she has some sort of trusting relationship with. Information about most of these PRCs is available on the Internet or in the phonebook under “abortion alternatives.”

Of course, it’s possible that despite your best efforts this woman may still choose to abort her child. Or you may encounter a woman who chose abortion a long time ago. How should we talk with women, and men, who have had previous abortion experiences?

After Abortion

Post-abortion grief is the result of a mother coming to grips with the realization that she has taken part in the killing of her child. Mothers who obtain abortions vary in their attitude toward the procedure, and this must be taken into account when talking to them. These attitudes include:
A denial of the humanity of the unborn child, such as thinking of it being “just cells” or “tissue” and abortion as “not being a big deal,” but still being confused about the grief over her abortion.

An acceptance of abortion as the “lesser of two evils” when compared to motherhood. She may accept that the unborn is somewhat or totally human but sees abortion as a terrible sacrifice if she is going to “save her own life.”

She may be religious and rationalize that she is “giving her baby back to God,” and that “God will forgive her.” She may also feel that God could never forgive her for what she’s done and feel alienated from him.
She may have wanted the pregnancy but had the abortion for “health” reasons or was coerced into the procedure by a husband, boyfriend, doctor, or parents.

While their circumstances may differ, each of these women will also be suffering from society’s failure to provide an adequate grieving system for abortion. For example, a mother who miscarries is validated as having lost a child and allowed to grieve appropriately over that loss. A woman who has an abortion, however, is told that it was “the best decision she could have made,” was “her choice or her right” or was “not a big deal, just a medical procedure.”

After all, anyone can see the awkwardness of grieving over the death of a child when the death was planned and paid for by one or both of the child’s parents. However, ignoring the problem is also a poor solution for the pain these women (and men) experience.
Conversation Guidelines

Some women feel the grief of an abortion immediately following the procedure, while others don’t feel the symptoms for many years. Times when emotional distress is most likely to occur include the anniversary date of the abortion or the anniversary of the expected due date of the baby. A post-abortive woman may also feel an onrush of negative feelings about her abortion in the presence of pregnant women, during discussions about abortion, or when she is in the presence of families with small children, especially children who would be the same age as her aborted child.

Listening is the most important skill to have when talking to a woman who has had an abortion. A common temptation (usually faced by men) is to try to say something that will make the woman feel better or solve her problem. However, just as abortion doesn’t change the fact that a woman was pregnant, post-abortion counseling does not take away the fact that an abortion happened and that a child has died. Listen to how the woman is feeling, and ask questions to show you care and are interested in her well-being, like, questions like “How long have you had these feelings?” or “How are you handling everything since the abortion?” You can’t take away her pain, but you can take away her loneliness.

Do not try to control the conversation or steer it in the direction you think it should go. If she wants to speak of a four-week-old embryo as a “baby,” let her. If she needs to cry, yell, or not talk at all, let her. Above all else, keep her and her healing as the center of your focus. The grieving process is different for everyone, and this woman should be given whatever time she needs to work through it.

In addition, avoid your own personal commentary on abortion or statements that minimize her pain, such as noting the gestational age of her child, her life situation, or her reasons for having the abortion. Let her know that you feel her sorry for her pain, but do not tell her that you “know how she feels,” because if you haven’t had an abortion, you don’t know (and even if you have, you don’t know that your experiences match).

Above all else, never tell anyone about her abortion unless you have been given permission to do so. The time may come when she is comfortable sharing her experience with others, and if she chooses to do so, she can be a huge help to other women in the same situation.

If you treat her grief as she were grieving over the death of a born child, then you will probably act with the appropriate amount of compassion. This will prevent you from relying on clichés like “You can always have another child,” “You were too young to be a mother,” or worse, telling her “Suck it up and just get over it”). Let her know it’s okay to grieve, but also let her know there is hope and there are resources to help her through her grieving process so that she can experience the peace of Christ and the loving mercy of God offered through him.

Your best option to help her find this healing is to connect her with a local post-abortion counselor or a post-abortive retreat such as Rachel’s Vineyard. A local Catholic priest can probably recommend suitable post-abortion counseling and be able to help this woman by administering the sacrament of reconciliation. I also recommend reading Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion by Dr. Theresa Burke, the founder of Rachel’s Vineyard, to help understand abortion trauma and how to heal from it.

Finally, be on the lookout that the woman does not engage in destructive behaviors or become suicidal. If her grief becomes severe, you may need to seek professional help. If your friend seems to be contemplating suicide, call a suicide hotline immediately. It is far better to overreact than to not act before it’s too late.

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