Preparing for Courtesy

It is wonderful how a gentle and amiable heart can win others. -St. Francis de Sales

If you trace the word back far enough, you’ll find that the word “courtesy” comes from two Latin words meaning “with a garden” (cum hortus). From there it came to mean the enclosed place around a building, and from there the building (or “court”) itself, and from there the behavior of the court.

Besides an interesting lesson in etymology, this gives a lead as to how to practice courtesy, for, like a garden, it must be tended. We have to “prepare” ourselves, as it were, to be courteous. If we’re not somewhat calm, then we tend to take out our frustrations on others, or at least don’t give others the attention they deserve. Trying to be calm in today’s world is a challenge, but this issue is not a new one. Many of St. Francis de Sales’s letters, especially to lay people, are on this subject, and he was writing in the early 1600s. We should take comfort in the fact that we are not, never have been, and never will be alone in dealing with this.

Here is de Sales writing to a wife and mother:

My dear daughter,

I remember you telling me how much the multiplicity of your affairs weighs on you; and I said to you that it is a good opportunity for acquiring true and solid virtues. The multiplicity of affairs is a continual martyrdom, for just as flies cause more pain and irritation to those who travel in summer than the traveling itself does, just so the diversity and the multitude of affairs cause more pain than the weight of these affairs itself.

Does this sound familiar? This is where the “social” graces can be God’s work. De Sales—a doctor of the Church—calls our everyday lives of getting dressed, getting the kids out, and accomplishing the hundred and one things we need to do during the day “a good opportunity for acquiring the true and solid virtues . . . a continual martyrdom.” By fighting this “inner battle” of staying at peace in this chaos, we obtain grace, which we can then bestow on others.

This begins with prayer. Here is de Sales writing to a nun who had voiced similar complaints:

First thing in the morning, prepare your heart to be at peace; then take great care throughout the day to call it back to that peace frequently, and, as it were, to take your heart again in your hands. If you happen to do something that you regret, be neither astonished nor upset, but, having acknowledged your failing, humble yourself quietly before God and try to regain your gentle composure. Say to your soul, “There, we have made a mistake, but let’s go on now and be more careful.” Every time you fall, do the same.

Notice that de Sales almost expects us to lose our peace during the day. We must remember this. We often get upset with others because of something we or someone else did earlier, or something that happened earlier. The traffic was bad, and we snap at a co-worker. We had a bad day at work, and we take it out on the kids. The remedy is to remember that this will occur. The unexpected and unwanted will happen; we will mess up. The “trick” is to let it pass and get over it. “Say to your soul, ‘There, we have made a mistake, but let’s go on now and be more careful.’”

And then what? Here is de Sales’s advice to a nun with a “Type A” personality:

Accustom yourself to speak softly and walk in a more sedate manner. Do all that you do gently and quietly and you will see that in three or four years you will have regulated this hasty impetuousness.

But remember to act thus gently and speak softly on occasions when impetuosity is not urging you and when there is no danger of it, as, for example, when you are going to bed, getting up, sitting down, eating when you are speaking with Sister Marie or Sister Anne. In short, in all and everywhere, never dispense yourself.

This is the principle that “motions can train the emotions.” “Do all that you do gently and quietly.” Brushing your teeth, shaving, eating, opening and closing the car door as you go to work, saying a Hail Mary slowly—all of these can help build up our “reservoir.”

If we need further encouragement, we should listen to St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, a wife, mother, and foundress of a religious order who knew all the demands we know:

Never be hurried by anything whatsoever; nothing can be more pressing than the necessity of your peace before God. You will help others more by the peace and tranquility of your heart than by any eagerness or care you can bestow upon them.

We know this to be true from our own experience. How often have we, when in a flutter, gone to a person who, with few or no words, but just by the “peace and tranquility” of his heart, helps us to calm ourselves? This is truly an instance of God’s grace working through others to us. We should strive to do the same.

A peaceful heart is a sine qua non for the apostolate. It prepares us to be open to others. It instinctively tells others we are open to them. It allows us to listen to others. It makes us more aware of others and their needs. It transmits the heart of Christ.

Did you enjoy this excerpt from The Apostolate of Courtesy? Order your copy today!