The Seven Virtues of Courtesy

Courtesy isn’t so much a virtue in itself as a way of living other virtues. It shapes how a particular virtue is practiced in a social setting. Here are seven virtues needed if we are to be courteous.

1. Humility. Suffice it to say that humility is the truth about who we are. The truth is that we are all children of God, and we are all sinners. You can’t be courteous if you are preoccupied with yourself, your rights, the impression you make, or what others will say about you. You can’t be courteous if you expect more from others than you ask of yourself. You can’t be courteous if you expect any person or any situation to be perfect. You can go a long way in being courteous if you wake up every morning and say, “It’s not about me.” Courtesy recognizes that we live in a fallen world and that one of our main tasks is to help others through it.
2. Meekness. Meekness is a much-misunderstood virtue. To many, it has the whiff of being passive or shrinking back. It is neither. Our Lord described himself as meek (Matt. 11:29), yet he never backed down from a confrontation. Meekness is the ability to restrain our passions in the face of provocation in order to respond properly. Meekness is gentleness, calmness of demeanor. It is knowing that something said quietly and after a pause usually has more effect than something shouted. Meekness knows that there will be disagreements, and that others can be rude and quarrelsome, but it refuses to let the disagreement or rudeness dictate his response. To quote St. Francis de Sales, “nothing is so strong as gentleness; nothing is so gentle as real strength.”
3. Self-control. Self-control with others is patience; self-control regarding ourselves is temperance. Both are necessary if we are to do any good. Courtesy requires sacrifice. Self-control is the ability to say “no” to ourselves so we can say “yes” to others. We have to say “no” to our temper and desire for instant results. We have to say “no” to our procrastination, laziness, and desire for comfort. We have to say “no” to our desire to “get our own back” or our demand that others be what we think they should be. This allows us to give a “yes” to others.  Think of the deprivations our Lord endured for our sake—being born in a stable, forced to flee as a child, traveling about with no home. Consider what St. Paul endured to bring the gospel to others (2 Cor. 11:24
4. Gratitude. As G. K. Chesterton said, “when it comes to life, the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.” The attitude of entitlement is the cause of most of the unhappiness in the world, especially among the young. It creates a self-absorption that is as unpleasant as it can be paralyzing. It can be difficult, very difficult at times, to be grateful for certain people and circumstances. It often requires much time in prayer. To do so, though, is one of the most liberating experiences you can imagine.
5. Generosity. We live by the idea that “to have is to be happy,” when experience has taught us over and over again that “to give is to be happy.” Possessions are possessive. If you can’t give something away, whether it be a candy bar or a coat, it probably owns you more than you own it. A courteous person is a giving person, whether it be of his attention, his possessions, or his seat on the subway. When he realized how much he had been given, Zacchaeus gave half his possessions to the poor. And our Lord promises a reward for even a cup of cold water (Matt. 10:42). As St. Ignatius of Loyola said, “teach us to give and not count the cost.”
6. Courage. Today, a courteous person is countercultural. To dress modestly, to talk to those whom others shun, to refrain from retort when insulted, to offer help to a stranger whom others pass by—these can require a temerity that borders on the heroic. The deepest fear many of us have is “What will others think of me?” Courtesy often asks us to tell that fear where to get off. It is hard not to think about “But what will happen if I do?” A courteous person shelves that thought and asks only, “What is the right thing to do?”
7. Compassion. Compassion means asking not so much “How would I feel in his shoes?” but “How does he feel in his shoes?” It requires imagination, consideration, and tact. There’s the grandmother or uncle at the family gathering whom others ignore; the disabled person whom others rush past; a sibling going through a divorce or who just lost his job; the “good Catholic family” whose teenage daughter is pregnant or whose son got kicked out of school. It’s awkward for them, and it’s awkward for us. We can be so afraid of doing the wrong thing that we don’t do anything, which is usually the worst thing. It’s no good thinking how the other should feel or what the other should do. It’s a question of how he does feel and what you should do.

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