The Evangelizing Power of a Listening Ear

Then there are those moments—not when you have something difficult to say, but when you sense that the other person may. You have a feeling, or you may know, that he is embarrassed about something or is going through a difficult situation. It may be when you meet a friend who has kept his distance for a time. It may be when you notice that he is avoiding talking about a particular issue or person who would normally be a part of your conversation. Or it may be that you have heard of something that may cause the other person embarrassment or grief. Usually he would talk to you, but not now.  

These situations can be more difficult the closer you are—or were—to the person. It may be trouble in a marriage or at work. It may be the behavior or “lifestyle” of children. It may be the ongoing care of a disabled child or elderly parent. There is a “tiptoeing” around the topic, a noticeable void where information would usually be forthcoming. You sense hesitancy, avoidance, evasion, or silence.  

You don’t want to pry, but you want to be a friend. What do you say?  

It helps to remember that what the other wants is what we want when we’ve had these kinds of issues—simply someone to listen. The other person doesn’t want answers or solutions, however good or correct they may be. He doesn’t want counseling, however true it may be. He may not even want encouragement or consolation, however necessary it may seem. He just wants 

the comfort of saying something out loud to another human being, the comfort of being listened to and getting something off his heart. He wants the wall down.  

How do you break the ice? Be simple, direct, and kind. For example, “You know, Fred, you and I have been friends for a long time, and I’ve heard about X, but you don’t talk about it. I’m not here to give answers, even if I had any, but as your friend I am here to listen if you want to talk about it, and you can be assured of my confidence.”  

Then listen.  

If he is silent, wait. If he says, “I don’t want to talk about it,” or passes on to something else, let it go.  

If he does open up, then, again, just listen. If you sense he wants to keep talking, or you feel the need to fill an awkward silence, ask open-ended, non-judgmental questions.  

“How are you coping with this?”  

“When did you first have an idea?”  

“How is this affecting you [your marriage, your family]?”  

“How do you feel about the situation?”  

“Have you talked to anyone about it?”  

“What hurts the most about this?”  

“Is there anything else?”  

Resist the urge to share your experiences by saying, “I know how you feel,” or “I’ve been there.” You don’t, and you haven’t. It’s his hurt and his struggle, and it’s not about you. Don’t, even with the best of intentions, offer consolation by saying, “It will turn out alright.” Maybe it will; maybe it won’t. Some problems last a lifetime. 

Even if the person is deeply spiritual, don’t say, “Prayer will solve it” or “God will help you carry this cross.” He’s heard that before and has probably been giving God an earful already. Don’t attempt to exonerate the other person by saying, “It’s not your fault.” If it’s not, he probably knows it, and you may come off as patronizing. On the other hand, in some situations, he may indeed have some culpability, and he wants or needs to own it.  

Don’t say what you would do. If he does ask, you may have some leeway here, but generally, the best answer will likely be, “I’m not sure. I’d have to think about it.” “I’m sorry you’re in this” and “I’m sorry for your pain” are good options as well. Remember: in these moments, you’re vulnerable, too, and your on-the-spot advice may not be the best. So be careful. 

If he says, “I don’t know what to do,” the best reply may be, “What do you think you should do?” In many circumstances, people do know what to do, but their minds have been so tied up with a problem that they can’t get to that question. The simple posing of it by another often frees them. If the response seems questionable (e.g., “Run away,” “Get a divorce,” “Quit my job”), ask further questions to help him see why that may not be the best solution. “And then what would you do?” “How would that solve it?” “What would that entail?”  

You could also ask, “What are your options?” Again, when we’re going through difficult times, especially difficult times with other people, it can seem so muddled and overwhelming. Getting a person to realize there may be only one, two, or three things he can do can provide clarity and relief.

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